It wasn't supposed to end this way

Where my wedding ring now sits

This blog post is not really related to my trip, it’s about my past, particularly getting divorced. If you want to stop reading here I will never know. I wrote it more for myself and after having an internal debate decided to post it.

“Will you, trust and respect one another, laugh and cry together through good times and bad regardless of the obstacles you may face together?”

Photo taken by Witzkie Lane Photography

That sentence is an excerpt from the question of intent that my dad, our officiant, asked K and I at our wedding. Being an intentional, conventional but unique West Coast couple, we opted against the whole “in sickness and in health as long as you both shall live” line, preferring what is written above instead. Over the past two years and particularly while we were deciding whether to try to reconcile or get divorced that sentence has haunted me.

Part of me feels like a privileged cliche saying this but getting a divorce is the most difficult thing I’ve done in life. There is a wealth of content out there about how when you go through a divorce your life’s foundation crumbles: you lose a life partner, your friendships and family relationships change, your financial position becomes more fragile. And that’s just for couples without children. This was all true for me and yeah, it sucked.

However, there was another factor at play that I wasn’t quite prepared for and that I only identified with the help of my therapist: divorce doesn’t happen to people like me. If you look at studies of the character traits of a successful marriage, K and I fit that bill. Both our parents are still together. We met on college at a school where 50% of the alumni marry each other. Even though we met in college we were in our late twenties when we registered our relationship with the State of Oregon. We both had graduate degrees and are both compulsive savers with excellent credit. Even though half of all American marriages end in divorce, we knew only a handful of the people behind that statistic.

Yet, it turns out our story is quite common. Despite the image our friends and family had of our life together, beneath the surface there were cracks. These cracks were things that I knew existed but chose to try to airbrush away. Over time, these cracks grew to the point that the airbrush was no longer adequate and suddenly we realized the cracks in the image were irreparable. If there is one thing I have resolved to do in future relationships it is to throw away the airbrush and work with my partner to repair cracks as we identify them.

I have come to realize that being divorced is a key part of my identity and life story. I can’t erase 12 years of my life. I’ve decided to own the fact that I’m divorced, which is why I put “decidedly divorced” in the byline of the home page on my blog, but am still figuring out what owning a divorce looks like. When you travel you meet a lot of new people. One of the first questions I am asked is where are you from or why are you here. I’ve spent some time experimenting with the answer to this question. Do I lead with “I got divorced and wanted to go on an Eat, Pray, Love but with a penis trip?” Or do I say, “I decided I wanted to quit my job to see the world and figure out what to do next?” Both are equally true but I usually go with the latter because I still feel like my divorce means I am a failure. Since K and I are not the prototypical divorced couple we should have been able to make it work I say to myself. We still both respect each other and even when we were talking about how to split up our assets we could make each other laugh. But I know this isn’t true.

I understand that failure is very important and I could pick any one of several different pithy quotes that drive this point home. I also understand that just because my first marriage failed I am not a failure. Still, all my life I have been conditioned to avoid failure and seek success.

“I give you this ring as a reminder that I will love, honor, and cherish you in all times, in all places, forever.”

They are everywhere.

I’ve also thought about the above sentence a lot. I brought the ring with me to Asia and today after lunch on a diving trip I threw it into the East Vietnam Sea. I felt a twinge of guilt for adding a small piece of man made waste to the ocean but I picked up two plastic water bottles as form of offset. Plus it felt like a powerful symbol of how I have resolved to move on with my life, and with the help of a strong community of friends, supportive family, and regular visits to a therapist I feel I have made good strides in this direction.